Don't Try This At Home
by ghost02
Summary: Willow screws up a spell, causing past characters, including Angel(us), to visit; Buffy abuses Spike, receives shocking news, and must choose between Angel and Spike.


TITLE: Don't Try This At Home 

AUTHOR: Kelso 

RATING: PG-13 

SPOILERS: none 

SUMMARY: Willow screws up a spell, causing past characters (including Angel/us) to visit; Buffy abuses Spike, receives shocking news, and must choose between Angel and Spike. 

WEBSITE: see my author profile for the link. I have B/A, B/Aus, B/S, and miscellaneous stories there. 

DISCLAIMER: "Buffy" and "Angel" characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. Also, I did not write "Love Can Move Mountains," though I wouldn't admit to it even if I had. 

NOTES: Set in early season 6, roughly. Giles is still in town; Tara's alive; Buffy's back from the dead. 

Thanks to Sky for beta reading. 

For WhiteLine: one resolve face, and an evil, bloodsucking fiend. ;) 

  
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Don't Try This At Home 

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_Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep!_

The blaring of her alarm clock woke Buffy from a bizarre dream in which she was an ordinary teenage girl being romanced by fellow high-school students Angelus O'Connor and Spike Giles. She shook off that horrible image and pulled herself out of bed just as the phone rang. 

"Buffy," Willow's alarmed voice shouted in her ear, "you have to come to the Magic Box right away! It's very important!" 

Twenty minutes later, Buffy's vanilla scent drifted into the Magic Box seconds before the tiny blonde Slayer herself appeared with Dawn at her side. She looked around to see Anya, Willow, Tara, and Giles already there. 

"Hello, Buffy. We're only waiting for..." Giles surveyed the other occupants of the room. "Who is it again? Oh, yes, Xander." 

Luckily, Xander strolled in before they had time to get impatient. "What's up, G-man?" he greeted. 

"Stop calling me that," Giles automatically replied as he cleaned his glasses. "Now, Willow, what caused you to call us here on a Sunday morning?" 

Willow fingered her fuzzy sweater and babbled, "Well, I was casting this great new quadruple-strength protection spell but I think it went wrong because when I added the frog's tongue the room turned black and the wind whistled and hounds bayed and it was really creepy so I got scared but I couldn't take it back and you need to figure out what I did wrong because I'm afraid to try to fix it myself and something terrible might happen to all of us so you see that it's vitally important for us to work together and repair the damage before it destroys us and possibly the world as well." 

"Research time!" everyone except Xander chorused, and they hit the books. Xander, of course, sat alone in a corner, scarfing down Hershey's Kisses, Mars bars, and Kit Kats. The dark-haired boy was useless at research and he had also gotten chocolate stains on one of Giles' beloved books once too often, so he no longer assisted the group with that pursuit. 

All day long, they flipped through books and waited to see if anything significant would occur, but by the time dusk fell, nothing had. 

"Maybe the bad thing already happened, but to someone else, like Angel or Spike or Cordelia or Wesley," Willow finally suggested. 

Before anyone could follow up on this theory, the door of the Magic Box burst open and in walked Riley Finn. "Hi, gang. Thought I'd drop by for a visit," he announced. 

"Riley, why did you bother to come here? It sucked enough when you were around the first time!" Xander declared. 

"Yeah!" the others cheered. 

"None of us ever liked you," Willow added. "We thought you were a loser from the day Buffy met you." 

"You're so boring," Dawn chimed in. 

Riley grinned stupidly and fingered the hem of his t-shirt, across which was pictured a cow with a milk mustache and the slogan "Got milk?" 

"The dumb country hick doesn't even know we're laughing at him," Xander jeered. 

They continued to taunt Riley for several more minutes until Buffy got tired of looking at his face. "Go out and play in traffic, Riley," she ordered. "Preferably somewhere in Cornland, Iowa, where you come from." 

With one last moronic look around the room, Riley obeyed. 

"I think Riley's arrival was the bad thing we were waiting for," Xander said. 

Yet Riley had barely left before the door opened again and Angel entered, wearing all black as usual. 

"Angel, thank the goddess you're okay!" Willow exclaimed in relief. 

Buffy jumped to her feet, staring at the newcomer. "Wait a minute. My Slayer sense is going wild and telling me that's not Angel. That's Angelus!" 

With a snarl of hate, Angelus leaped forward and struck Giles over the head, knocking him unconscious. Then he turned on Buffy. However, by that point she, Anya, Tara, Dawn, Xander, and Willow had grabbed stakes, holy water, and crossbows. Trapped, Angelus had little choice but to allow Buffy to tie him and drag him into the training room in back. 

"Chain him for good measure," Xander suggested, indicating the restraints that were fastened to the wall. Buffy did so, and they surrounded Angelus in a ring, ready to question him. 

"Hello, little one," Angelus addressed Willow, staring at her with a lecherous glint in his eyes. 

"Not interested," she quickly informed him. "Because I'm gay now!" She grabbed Tara's hand. "See? All gay, and taken, too!" 

"I-I-I love W-w-willow with all of m-m-m-my heart," Tara confirmed. 

Angelus shrugged and proceeded to eye both Willow and Tara, who tried to ignore him as they revived Giles. 

"So how did you lose your soul this time?" Buffy demanded. 

"Would you believe me if I said I didn't know? That it somehow simply happened?" 

"No," replied Giles, who had just regained consciousness. "But I don't suppose we will easily get the truth out of you, much as we would love to." 

"I can think of some things I'd love to do with Buffy," Angelus said with a suggestive leer at her neck. 

"Don't even think about trying to turn her," Giles warned. "It wouldn't benefit you, since it's common knowledge that a turned Slayer retains her soul." 

"I didn't know that," Dawn piped up. 

"Shut up!" Xander hissed. 

"We ought to call Los Angeles and find out if Wesley or Cordelia or anyone else can explain this situation," Giles decided. 

They retreated from the training room, leaving the door open so they could monitor Angelus. "Hey!" he called. "At least let me have a pair of leather pants. I'm just not me without them." 

Giles ignored the request and placed a phone call to Los Angeles, but no one there had any clue that Angelus had returned and no idea why it had happened. Puzzled, Giles looked at his companions. "Perhaps Angelus was telling the truth after all. More research seems to be in order. Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Anya, and Tara, get back to work. Xander, go out and get us some donuts." 

"And Xander? Don't forget the glazed ones this time," Buffy added, as Tara emphatically nodded. 

Xander glared at the mean Scoobies. 'Someday,' he told himself, 'someday I'll show them all. When I have my own superpower, they'll wish they'd been nicer to me.' Since he didn't actually possess this superpower yet, though, he obediently went out to fetch the donuts. 

For some time, the remaining Scoobies pored over books and took notes. Eventually, Anya glanced at her watch. "The donut shop is just down the road. Xander's definitely taking his time tonight. And as we all know, time is money." 

"Yeah, and I'm hungry." Right on cue, Dawn's stomach growled. 

Willow went to peep out the front window and immediately gasped. "Guys! Come over here and look at this!" 

The others rushed over to see Xander in the middle of the block, with a pack of ravening demons closing in on him. He was wildly brandishing the donut box at them, to little effect. 

"That dumb Zeppo!" Willow complained. "I'm sick of him being a demon magnet who constantly needs to be saved." 

"We have to rescue him. He has the donuts," noted the more practical Anya. 

Acknowledging that Anya raised a good point, the gang poured out the door and ran down the street. The overpowered demons scattered, though one got in a good swipe at Xander that sent him sprawling on the pavement. 

"Inside again, quickly!" Giles called, holding the door of the Magic Box open and waiting until the last person (Xander, naturally) entered. "Let's get back to business. If we don't find any pertinent information soon, we will have to restore Angel's soul." 

Xander limped to his chair and fingered his scraped cheek, remembering all the bruises that had been planted there over the years by his abusive father. Even though he no longer lived with his parents, the awful memories lingered. None of his supposed "friends" had ever noticed his obvious injuries. Xander buried himself in a mound of chocolate for comfort, bitterly thinking about how he would avenge himself. 

He still hadn't managed to come up with a workable plan when Spike sauntered in, smirking and looking sexy. He had run out of "Passions" tapes to watch so he'd come to pester the Scoobies for fun. "'Lo, Slayer, Watcher, Whelp, Glinda, Red, Demon Girl, and Nibblet." He glanced around and spotted Angelus in the training room. "'Ey, what do you 'ave the poof 'ere for?" 

"That's actually Angelus," Giles corrected. 

Spike stared. At that point, Angelus noticed him. 

"Childe!" cried Angelus. 

"Sire!" cried Spike. 

"I thought Drusilla was your sire," Anya said to Spike. 

"Cor, ducks, technically she is, but Angelus 'ere taught me everythin' I know," Spike explained. "Bloody 'ell, if I'd 'ad to rely on Dru, I'd 'ave starved to death me first bleedin' week of bloody unlife. Angelus saved me by takin' me under 'is evil wing. 'E even forced Dru to feed me extra blood so I'd be a master vamp 'stead of a lowly minion. I stand before you the demon 'e made me. Let me greet me old grandsire, now." The entire gang watched as Spike walked up to Angelus, embraced him, and plunged his tongue down the older vampire's throat. 

Xander gagged. "Just what I didn't want to see--Deadboy and Deadboy Jr. playing tonsil hockey." 

Spike came up for air and glanced at him. "What, Donut Boy, you surprised? You should know Peaches and I 'ad a relationship, back in the day." 

"Yes, we are all aware that vampires are bisexual," Giles agreed. 

"I'm not! I'm gay!" Willow declared, conveniently overlooking her longtime crush on Xander and her serious relationship with Oz. 

"Not very gentle with 'im, were you?" Spike indicated an abrasion on Angelus' arm, then flicked out his tongue and carefully licked the area while the humans watched with revulsion. "Vampire saliva," he explained. "'Elps speed up the 'ealin'." 

"Spike, get out of there." Buffy grabbed his arm and dragged him off of Angelus and back into the main room. "Angelus won't be around for much longer anyway. Willow's gonna recurse him." 

"In that case, I just happen to have a spare Orb of Thesulah behind the counter." Anya went over and tugged it out. 

Willow beamed. "Great! I can get going on the curse right away!" 

She reached for the Orb, but Anya yanked it away. "Not so fast. That will be $629.99, not counting sales tax." 

"Anya, isn't there anything to you except money and sex?" Willow snapped. 

Anya thought for a moment, then offered, "I'm afraid of rabbits." 

"Just give Willow the bloody Orb," Giles ordered, cleaning his glasses so forcefully that he nearly popped out a lens. 

With a pout, Anya surrendered the object for free and watched through narrowed eyes as Willow prepared to cast the curse. Despite Angelus' threats and rants, she was soon ready and flawlessly recited the incantation. 

Angel's soul flowed back inside his body and he looked around, a little disoriented but no longer evil. The others drew back, allowing Buffy to be alone with him for a few moments. 

"I love you, Angel. I never stopped," she assured him as she searched her pockets for the key to his chains. Suddenly, Buffy became aware that Angel was purring like a huge cat, which meant he was happy, which meant he might be perfectly happy, which in turn meant his soul might be up for grabs yet again, and sure enough, in the next moment.... 

With a scream of agony, Angel bent double. When he straightened up, his eyes were glowing yellow and soulless. 

"Dammit!" Buffy screamed. She slammed the door to the training room in Angelus' face and turned on Willow. "He lost his soul, again!" 

"Perfect," Spike was heard to mutter with a satisfied smile under his non-existent breath. 

No one else, however, agreed with him. "Willow," Giles chided, "surely you realize that all you had to do was remove the perfect-happiness clause from the curse and Angel's soul would be anchored. It's so simple." 

'This is all v-v-v-very c-c-c-confusing,' Tara thought as she clutched Willow's hand and smiled shyly. 

"I'll cast the curse again," Willow volunteered. "Get me another Orb of Thesulah and I can do it tonight." 

Anya rolled her eyes but reached under the counter one more time. Willow was just about to pick up the new orb when a police siren sounded in the distance, the noise becoming clearer as the door of the Magic Box opened. A person none of them had ever particularly wanted to see again stood framed in the doorway. 

"Hey, it's me, Faith Stevens, the Rouge Slayer. Oops, I mean 'Rogue' Slayer, also known as a Dark Slayer." 

"Stevens is your last name?" Dawn said with interest. "I never knew you had one." 

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. And a surprising amount of people think it's Wilkins." 

"Never mind that," Buffy interjected. "Why are you here, Faith?" 

"I want redemption, B. It's the only thing I ever thought about during all those horrible days in prison. Then today, I got this strong feeling that I should break out and come to see you. It's like I was drawn here by some force. In fact..." The wailing siren shrilled more loudly, as if it had approached almost as far as the door. "Sorry, the cops are right on my tail. Gotta run." And Faith was gone as suddenly as she had arrived. 

"Well, that was weird," Xander observed. 

"No, in actuality, it was very illuminating," Giles countered. "Faith's visit tells me that Willow probably cast a summoning spell rather than the protection spell she intended. She must have used frog's tongue instead of toad's tongue. Such a huge mistake can make all the difference. Since she performed it to the power of four, I believe we should expect four arrivals. I'll call the Watchers' Council and have them confirm my suspicions." 

Giles went to use the phone. After several minutes of arguing, though, he hung up and turned back to the others. "Yet again, the Council is refusing to help us. Willow, you know what you have to do: Go hack into their database and get us the information we need." 

"No problem," Willow chirped. She trotted off and 10 minutes later returned holding a thick sheaf of printed pages. "These should do it." 

Giles scanned the papers and nodded. "Just as I suspected--the spell is indeed a summoner. It should lose its power after the fourth person arrives." 

"Riley, Angelus, Spike, Faith," Dawn listed. "That makes four." 

"Spike may not count," Giles replied. "He often stops by when no spell is in effect. We should be prepared for one last visitor." 

A sound at the door made them all turn just then to see Drusilla, who was holding a ratty doll. 

"What the bloody 'ell are you doin' 'ere, ducks?" Spike demanded. 

Drusilla swayed and dreamily hugged her doll to her chest. "Miss Edith told me to come back to Sunnydale. The stars are singing to me. Hello, Little Tree," she greeted Willow. 

"Enough of this crap." Buffy picked up a stake and chucked it through Dru's heart. "That was visitor number four. Spell ended." 

Everyone looked at Spike to see how he would react to his sire's abrupt dusting. 

He just shrugged. "I stopped lovin' that nutter a long time ago--ever since I recognized me feelin's for me Slayer, who even though she's in denial, feels the exact same way 'bout me." 

With a sound of extreme exasperation, Buffy strode over, grabbed Spike by the ends of his peroxided hair, and began to bang his head against the wall. "I"--BANG--"don't"--BANG--"love you"--BANG--"and I never will."--Biggest BANG yet.--"Get that through your stupid vampire brain once and for all." She let go and Spike slid to the floor in a heap. 

Giles looked uncertainly at her. "I generally trust your judgement, Buffy, but are you sure your treatment of Spike is wise?" 

"Giles, you're like a father to me, to all of us here, but I know what I'm doing." 

Spike staggered upright, bleeding freely from the head. "Love taps." He smiled cockily. "If Buffy'd really wanted to 'urt me...." 

Buffy promptly reached over, picked Spike up, and hurled him through the front window. From outside came the sounds of cursing, screeching brakes, and a loud thump, followed by a vehicle speeding away and then silence. Buffy smiled. 

"You've become a cold, abusive bitch who is incapable of loving Spike," Anya observed with clinical detachment. 

Buffy at first appeared to be unaffected by these words, but as she turned, she swayed and placed a hand against the wall to brace herself. 

"What's wrong?" Willow demanded, rushing to her side with Tara following. 

"I don't know," Buffy replied. "I feel sick and faint all of a sudden." 

"Tara and I will take care of you. Come with us." 

"No." Buffy stepped away. "I don't need anyone to help me. I'll be fine." 

"Elizabeth Anne Summers," Giles scolded, "do as you're told." 

Buffy gulped. She knew Giles was serious whenever he used her real name. She obediently turned to Willow and Tara, who ushered her away with concerned expressions on their faces. 

***** 

An hour later, Tara and Willow led Buffy back into the Magic Box, looking more concerned than before. Xander, Giles, Anya, and Dawn anxiously waited for their report. 

After making sure that Angelus was sealed up in the closed training room, unable to hear them, Willow announced, "This is very serious, gang. Buffy is pregnant." 

"What? Who's the father?" the others yelled. 

Buffy blushed, and her eyes flickered toward the broken window through which she had flung Spike. 

"Oh... oh!" Xander exclaimed as he registered the meaning of that look. "You and Spike? First, ew, and second, he's an evil, bloodsucking fiend of a vampire. Your being pregnant by him is impossible." 

Buffy shrugged."Hellmouth, remember?" 

"Oh!" This catchall copout of an explanation appeared to satisfy everyone except Giles, who frowned and seemed about to speak when Dawn whined, "No one's paying attention to me." Since everyone continued to ignore her, she scowled and went to stand next to Buffy, showing off her superior height. 

"Yes, I don't know exactly how he did it," Buffy waxed elaborate, "but somehow Spike impregnated me when he spilled his cold, dead seed inside me. There are advantages to being with vampires, you know. They're so cool, their bodies are like air conditioners in the summer." 

"What about the sex?" Anya prompted. 

"I'll just say two words," Buffy replied. "Huge, and stamina." 

Only Anya looked disappointed by the lack of detail. "But what about Angel?" she asked. "The love of your life? Your soulmate?" 

"Angel who is currently Angelus and evil," Willow recalled. "I have to curse him one more time, only on this round I'll do as Giles said and leave out the happiness clause." Willow was getting to be fairly experienced with casting this spell, so it was not all that long before she was finished. 

Buffy shook herself out of a kind of stupor and turned to her friend. "So, Angel's soul is permanent? He and I can be together now? No more Angelus?" 

"Exactly." Willow smiled brightly. 

"Whenever Willow wears her resolve face, we know she can't fail," Dawn added. 

"Wow." Buffy had what she'd always thought she wanted, but all of a sudden, she wasn't so sure about it. "Well, why don't we leave him chained up for a little while longer, just to make perfectly sure it'll stick this time. Meanwhile, I can think about things and let the truth sink in." Before anyone could try to stop her, Buffy retreated into the storage room at the back of the building and shut the door. 

She sat back on a wooden crate and sighed. She was so confused. What should she do now? A small radio stood on the nearest shelf. Not wanting to be alone with her roiling thoughts, Buffy flicked it on, leaned her head against the wall, and listened to the lyrics of the song that had just started to play. She recognized the tune as "Love Can Move Mountains," performed by the great Celine Dion. 

  


_There ain't a dream that don't_

_Have a chance_

_To come true now_

_It just takes a little faith, baby_

_Anything that we want to do_

_We can do now_

  


Buffy came to attention. This song seemed to be speaking directly to her. She continued to listen. 

  


_There ain't nothing in our way, baby_

_Nothing our love couldn't raise above_

_We can get through the night_

_We can get to the light_

_Long as we got our love to_

_Light the way_  


It was like the words had been written expressly for herself and Angel...only she was pregnant with Spike's child and if she was honest with herself, deep down she really did have feelings for the blond vampire beyond using him as a self-healing punching bag. Could she truly overcome this latest obstacle? The song was saying yes. 

***** 

Over in his makeshift prison, Angel was engaged in his favorite pastime of brooding when his attention was captured by a song playing on a nearby radio. It happened, in fact, to be the very song that had captivated Buffy, and it had the same effect on Angel. 

  


_If we got love that is strong enough_

_We can do anything, make it_

_through anything_

_'Coz through it all love will always_

_Find a way_

__

_With a little faith..._

  


As he brooded, Angel concluded that he couldn't give up on Buffy. The song was telling him that. 

  


_You believe in me_

_I'll believe in you_

_If we believe in each other_

_Nothing we can't do_

_If we got love that's strong enough_

_Love will find a way_

__

_With a little faith_

  


It wasn't Barry Manilow but it was pretty good anyway. More importantly, the message was that he and Buffy could still make it. Together. 

***** 

Slowly, Buffy picked herself up and left her hiding place. She had to talk to both Spike and Angel. As she emerged into the main room of the Magic Box, she stopped short. A battered Spike, who had obviously scraped himself off of the street and hobbled back inside the building, was being fussed over by Tara, Willow, and Dawn. 

As Buffy watched, Dawn proffered a cup of hot chocolate with little marshmallows. "Here's your usual, Spike." 

He gratefully accepted it. "Thanks, Little Bit. You're a bleedin' treasure, you are." 

Willow and Tara both brought over mugs of pig's blood, and gradually the worst of Spike's injuries healed. Feeling a sharp pang of guilt, Buffy nevertheless hung back. She had to come up with a good approach. Finally, after she considered and reconsidered, she thought she knew how to handle the situation. She had to choose between Spike and Angel, so her decision would depend on how they responded to her big news. 

"Anya, could you go and unchain Angel?" she asked. 

Anya did so. A moment later, Angel stepped out of the training room and went over to Buffy. Every pair of eyes in the room became fixed on them. 

"Willow told me about my soul," Angel began. "You know what this means, don't you?" 

"That we can be together? Yes, and I would love that, but there's something I have to tell you first." Buffy braced herself and blurted, "I'm pregnant with Spike's baby." 

"Babies, actually," Angel replied in a surprisingly calm voice. "You're carrying twins. I can hear two extra heartbeats. But that doesn't matter. I know about it and I don't care. We can work things out, somehow. Give us a chance." 

He'd given the perfect answer. Buffy looked at Spike to see how he would react. 

Spike straightened, with an obvious effort, and took a very deep, very unnecessary breath. "Buffy, pet, I love you and our babies with every non-beat of my unbeatin' 'eart." 

He'd given a good answer, too. Buffy paced the room, thinking very hard. Angel or Spike? Spike or Angel? How to pick? After quite a bit of pacing and musing, she settled upon the only possible choice. 

Chin up, Buffy faced the others and stated, "I've made my decision." She walked over and grabbed Angel's hand, whereupon a single perfect tear composed of crimson blood stained its way down Spike's alabaster cheek. "Angel, you were my first real love. I thought we were meant to be together forever. Then you left me for my own good." She released his hand and turned to Spike. He brightened, while Angel's face fell. "Spike was there for me when I came back from heaven. He understood my feelings and didn't judge me. He knows me better than I know myself. That's why I've decided that my optimal course of action is to enter into a threesome with Spike and Angel. That way, I get to have both of them." Buffy smiled and walked out the door with a stunned but happy pair of vampires following her. 

For a moment, everyone left in the Magic Box stood in shocked silence. Then Tara stammered, Dawn whined, Anya counted money, Willow babbled, Giles cleaned his glasses, and Xander went out for more donuts. 

_end_


End file.
